This post is part of the Beauty of a Woman BlogFest VI! To read more entries, and potentially win a fun prize, visit the fest page HERE between today and 11pm PST March 11th.
In seven months my fourteen year old daughter will reach the age I was when I lost my virginity. Rather than be too afraid to talk to her about it, I’ve decided to be brave and tell her all the things I wish I’d known beforehand.
Growing up with a self-esteem issue created a connection between sex and worth. I remember using sex to feel good about myself, rather than working on feeling good about myself first and connecting with my partners from this more empowered place. This became a life-long healing issue. I’m older, more experienced and comfortable in my own skin and I’ve had a chance to reflect on the things I healed so sexuality and sensuality became something I felt empowered about, rather than ashamed about.
Asking big questions and having difficult conversations is one of the keys to healing. Full expression in all its forms is the goal. If I can teach my kids this kind of badass skill I truly can’t fail as a parent. Starting with one of the most important topics of life feels good.
Here are thirty five things I want my daughter to know before she has sex. And they aren’t bad things for my son to know either.
- You’re beautiful, smart, and enough, period. Your worth will never be reliant upon sex or what you do sexually with a partner. The most important thing I could help you understand is you matter because you were born, not because you’re attractive to or wanted by someone else.
- It’s okay to talk about sex. You don’t ever have to be afraid to talk about sex or sexuality. There’s nothing to be ashamed, afraid or embarrassed about.
- Sex isn’t gross or dirty; it’s natural, beautiful and amazing.
- Love is more complicated than sex. Having sex with someone doesn’t mean you love them. You can love someone without having sex. You can have sex without loving someone. When you share sex with someone you love it can be amazing. There are many other ways to show someone you love them besides having sex.
- Sex is always your choice. What happens to and with your body is always a choice. Don’t be afraid to say no if it doesn’t feel right. Never compromise what your gut is telling you about sex. If it feels wrong, it is. Same goes for everything in life.
- Feeling sensual or sexy is the way you were made; it’s never wrong to feel that way. In fact, being in touch with that part of you is powerful.
- Having an orgasm isn’t the only good thing about sex, and it doesn’t always have to be the end goal. There’s a lot more about sex to enjoy besides having an orgasm.
- You don’t need to have sex with someone to experience an orgasm. You can make that happen by yourself.
- Masturbation isn’t bad, dirty or wrong. Knowing how to experience pleasure and learning how to make that happen by yourself will help you connect with your sensuality and have better experiences with your partner.
- Great sex is about awareness and communication. Feeling sexy is as much about your mind as your body. Learn how to feel and how to communicate about how you feel. Find someone who can do the same thing.
- Sex can make you pregnant and be the reason you get an STD, so if you don’t want to have a baby or an STD right now you have to practice safe sex, no matter what your partner says to you. If guilt is ever involved in sex, you should think twice about it.
- Confidence is sexy. Your self-esteem is one of the most important things you can possess when it comes to sex. Having sex to make yourself feel better is like taking drugs; a temporary fix that’ll leave you feeling the same way after it’s worn off.
- There’s nothing about your body that isn’t perfect or beautiful. What other people say about your body is none of your business. Loving yourself is the most important thing about feeling sexy. What other people think should have no bearing on how you feel in your own skin.
- There’re a lot of places on your body that feel great when someone touches them, not just “down there.”
- It’s okay to have sex when you have your period. That’s a personal choice. You can still get pregnant during that time of the month.
- The person you share sex with should make you feel like a goddess. If you’re feeling bad in any way, think twice about it.
- Sometimes kissing is better and/or more intimate than sex.
- Being connected to your sensuality is a way of being in the world and should help you feel powerful and good, never bad.
- Trust in and respect for someone is always going to make sex better. If distrust or disrespect are present, think twice.
- It’s always better to go slower when you’re feeling nervous or uneasy about things. That goes for everything in life. Go slow enough to remember to breathe and feel. Let your body guide you.
- Being drunk or high before or during sex won’t make it better. In fact most times it will make it worse because you’ll be numb, and/or won’t be able to make decisions like you normally do. If you’re with people who’re drunk or high or wanting you to be, think twice.
- You’re responsible for your own pleasure. Leaving it to a partner to make you feel good won’t always leave you satisfied. Don’t be afraid to speak up during sex about what you need.
- It’s okay for women to buy condoms and ask their partner use them. If someone tries to make you feel guilty about this, think twice. If you’re mature enough to have sex, you’re mature enough to buy condoms.
- There’re several forms of birth control. It’s great to know about all your choices. It’s your responsibility to know this stuff. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and get informed. More knowledge is power.
- I’m not the only person you can talk to about sex. If you’re too embarrassed to talk to me, find someone you trust to talk to.
- Whatever you decide about sex is okay. Having it. Not having it. How, when, and where you have it. Who you have it with. Whether you’re married or not. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says, there’s no wrong thing about it. Nothing about it makes you a good or bad person.
- Pornography might not be the best way to learn about sex. The sex in movies, including porn, isn’t reality. Try not to have expectations about sex based on something you’ve seen on TV. If someone you’re having sex with is used to watching it, they may have unrealistic expectations and it’s okay to say so.
- Sexuality and sensuality is tied to your creativity. They both come from the same place inside you. When you’re connected to the power of your sensuality you’ll be able to enjoy the power of creativity.
- Who you are has nothing to do with whether or not you have sex. You’re much more than that. Try not to label yourself (or other people) based on whether or not someone wants you in that way, whether they think it’s good or not, or whether or not you decide to have it in the first place.
- Always trust your intuition and honor what feels good to you. If you do that, you’ll never go wrong as far as sex (or anything else in life) goes. What you feel should be the GPS system you use to navigate sexuality and sensuality.
- Having sex doesn’t make you a woman (or a man). Don’t ever feel forced into it. Peer pressure is one of the worst reasons to have sex and you’ll most likely regret it.
- Being able to feel makes you strong not weak. Being able to feel makes you an amazing partner and makes sex a lot better.
- You’re not any better, smarter or more attractive because someone wants to have sex with you. You’re all those things to begin with. Knowing that will make you sexy.
- Sex is a responsibility both people share. The most important thing about sex is your ability to talk about it openly with your partner. Never assume anything. Make sure you ask questions and be honest about how you feel, all the time.
- Great sex is more about sharing an experience with your partner, not about whether or not one of you had an orgasm. The only way you know what feels good is to ask, so don’t be afraid to. You’ll become an amazing partner by learning what they want and need and you’re much more likely to enjoy sex if you can speak openly about what you need.
And bonus #36. You are always going to be the most important thing in my world no matter what you do or what you say. You can always talk to me about anything, even the hard stuff. Being upset or concerned never means I don’t love you. Ever.
There’s a whole conversation to be had in each of these things. The most important thing about talking to my daughter and son about sex is actually doing the talking. I know keeping communication honest, open and real is going to be the one thing I’m most proud of in the end of all this parenting stuff. All I have to do when I’m afraid to broach the topic is remember how I felt when I navigated this world as a teenager; alone, ashamed and afraid, and be brave about my desire to change that for my kids.
Our courage and honesty as parents will create the environment we most wish for with our kids; one of awareness and love. Our ability to have the more difficult conversations will be the very thing that gives them the ability to bravely do the same thing when it matters the most.
Laura Probert, MPT is a holistic physical therapist, published author, inspirational teacher, poet, and black belt in Tae Kwon Do. She’s serious about integrating mind, body and soul as a journey to passion and power and it’s her mission to show you how. You can find her writing featured in places like The Huffington Post, MindBodyGreen, Best Self Magazine, The Wellness Universe, Wild Sister Magazine, PersonalGrowth.com, Tiny Buddha and The Elephant Journal. Find her books and programs at www.BraveHealer.com and www.facebook.com/kickasswarriorgoddess







This post is everything that every daughter should hear from her mom! All 36 things are on point. I’m so inspired! And I am hosting a class on this exact subject next week, so your post is a divine nod!
Thank you for being vulnerable so the rest of us can be brave. I heart you big time!!! <3
Thank you so much Stacey! <3
Wish every mother taught their daughter these things!
Thank you!
This was interesting. See, ‘technically’ I knew about sex quite early in life. But my mother kept telling me it was gross and should be avoided. (In particular with me being ugly she doesn’t see why I should ever ‘have to’)… but that’s only a detail.
I would have given a lot really getting not only the ‘technical’ facts combined with some lies but also the truth about it.
Thanks for this great post. This is how it should be done!
Yes, yes, YES! 😉 You are such a great mom — what a lucky daughter you have. 🙂
Thanks for adding your brilliance to the fest!
I started talking to both of our children about sex when they were toddlers (OK, it was more the mechanics in very simple terms back then). The result is that, as they’ve grown, we’ve been able to deepen their understanding without that awkwardness of broaching “THE TALK”. We’ve been able to build on things.
Now, my son is 15.5, and my daughter will be 13 in a few months. Neither is sexually active yet, but I have a feeling it won’t be much longer, relatively speaking, before one or both of them are. So this is timely, as we move toward this next phase of their lives.
We’ve touched on most if not all of these points…but I’m going to share this post with both of them, so that they can ask questions or seek out more information as they need or want it.
Wonderful stuff, and so heartening to know that there are other parents out there whose goal is to support their children’s sexual maturity rather than trying to control or contain it.
Thank you for this resource, Laura!
Thanks so much for sharing this! Wonderful — what great wisdom and heart. I really enjoyed reading it. 🙂
Wisdom for young men and women. Thank you for sharing, Laura.
Fantastic list! I will be sharing with my son, who is 12… thanks for posting!
Le sigh. I wish my mother had talked to me about this stuff.
Because of her inability to communicate, I am probably over the top with my son. He now knows that when a woman says stop, he absolutely MUST stop & check in with her.
And a million other things.
Thanks for sharing!
I love it! And I agree. Open communication about sex both early and often does an amazing job of removing taboos and misconceptions around sex.
I’ll always be grateful to my mom for opening up those communication lines and then encouraging me to think for myself and to make smart decisions for me.
So beautiful. Thanks for sharing Laura!
This is everything I wish I’d heard from my mom. What an amazing post. My daughter is only 6, but I’m printing it out for down the road when the time comes to have these discussions. Thank you!
Amen!!! Thanks for sharing. My boys are 12 and I had similar experience to you. This is encouraging!
Hi Laura! It’s that time of year again 🙂 Register now and pick your category (Original or GirlBoner) for The Beauty of a Woman BlogFest VII! http://www.augustmclaughlin.com/boaw2018-register/#comment-50897