I’ve lived most my life with a tiny, unrelenting ache sitting inside the middle of my chest; a primal scream waiting for the right time to release. Know what that feels like? Jail. I’ve kept that scream locked up because…well, “not appropriate.” Here’s why I’m ready to be all of my too much self and why we all need to stop apologizing for being our full-on awesome, badass.
You can feel it, right? When someone can’t tolerate all of you? Some of them actually say it; “Can you tone it down?” And when you hear those words, especially from someone you actually like, trust or respect don’t you also feel that place inside you that dies a little bit? It shrinks up in retreat, smothered in the belief you must be too much and that you should be different so people will like you more?
Fuck, I’m so tired of that feeling, and of people who think they’re being helpful by telling me to tone it down. Your tolerance for me has nothing to do with whether or not I get to express myself. It has nothing to do with whether or not it’s good, right or about time to be all of myself, out loud, in front of other people.
Your low tolerance for all that I am is a lack of stamina. Stop attempting to dim my light and work on building your stamina. Please.
Why, oh why would we tell people to tone their light down. In this world that needs the passion, the caring, the exuberance, the enthusiasm, the creative ideas and full expression – why would we tell anyone they’re too much? Because they trigger something in us. And right there’s the healing work I’d like you to consider you need. What is it you can’t tolerate feeling when someone else is expressing their amazing self in the world?
Go ahead and give yourself permission to feel what that is. See if you’re brave enough. This work is for warrior souls. It takes a warrior to allow themselves to sit in the vulnerable place of feeling for the sake of authentic healing. And it’s the work that’s changing the world.
I attended one of my coaching calls in a group of powerful women I’ve come to love and cherish. And last night I realized I’m still fucking dimming myself, even among these women who’ve made a practice not to judge, to do their own healing work and to lift one another up. Damn, if I’m still doing it in this safe space, you bet I’m doing it in most other areas of my life too.
So how do we stop apologizing for being all that, and just go about the business of being too much? I’m working on it. One way is by writing it down and sharing the stories, like this one. I don’t filter my writing. I let it come from that little place deep inside. She needs a voice. I get to know myself a little better each time I let her out to play on the page. I don’t apologize for her.
I also do it by reconnecting with my center; that still place where my thoughts are asked to take a vacation and I rest back in my feeling senses. This’s the place where I get acknowledgment of who I am, what I want and how to go about doing my life the way that feels good to me.
When you have a light bulb moment and you realize you’re still dimming your light, that scream you’ve been holding in starts to work it’s way to the surface, like a splinter coming out. You know it’s coming out because it’s too painful to keep in. So you look for ways to help it out. But what paves that road is old, conditioned beliefs like, this isn’t appropriate, I should keep quiet, they might think I’m______. Those beliefs keep us small, quiet, afraid…and the splinter sits and gets infected.
Who the fuck cares what they think about your awesome? Seriously? Do you really care anymore? The people judging you for being too much are usually doing it to make themselves feel better. The ones you leave in the dust on your way to badass are usually the ones who told you you couldn’t do it, shouldn’t do it, or should be afraid to do it. The people giving you shit for being your whole, authentic, too much, amazing self are usually just afraid to be themselves and rather you stay small with them so they don’t have to feel lonely. Be done with them.
Now, let me shake this up; turn a 180 for you. How about the people in your life who celebrate every ounce of your crazy, wild, raw, inspired, enthusiastic, too much self? Got some of those? Well go grab them, hug them, kiss them, tell them how awesome they are and how much they mean to you. Now. Seriously, go do it now – send a quick email. I’ll wait.
Okay, awesome. Because that’s what we all need more of. Those kinds of people. But more than that we need to actually acknowledge each other. We need to let each other know how amazing it is to have someone in our life that does that for us. And we need to keep saying it, over and over, until we die.
It’s that kind of gratitude, love and kindness that’ll fuel your creative fire. It’s that kind of being seen and acknowledged that’ll keep you committed to your dreams.
“Are you interested, or are you committed?” Honoree Corder
I LOVE this question. A lot. I know you’re interested in what I’m saying, or you wouldn’t have made it this far. Are you committed to it though, is the question. Are you committed to learning the thing you need to learn to change everything? To feel brave and blissed out? To be “All of that too muchness?” Are you committed to the life you want?
Leave a note in the comments – what’s one way you’ll commit to yourself and your brave, blissed-out life?
Laura Di Franco Probert, MPT is a brave, blissed-out holistic physical therapist, published author, poet and black belt. Read more about her HERE.
My FREE 3 Day Get Brave and Blissed Out Mini Course starts SUNDAY – Find the info HERE!
Want to develop a practice of authentic healing and awareness that’ll change everything? You’ll find info about my Brave Healers Mastermind HERE, and my next Brave Healing Retreat HERE! Both programs start in the Fall!